Judging

Why is it so easy to judge? If we are not judging others we are judging ourselves, knowingly or unknowingly.

I have so many topics floating around in my head that I wanted to share with you but for some reason I landed on this one. Why you may wonder?

2020-21 body taxed

As some of you know, back in 2020 I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. My treatment plan required me to take chemo drugs for four months in conjunction with biologics (drugs that work in concert with the chemo drugs to specifically target my type of breast cancer). I had to continue taking the biologics for a full year.

My last chemo treatment was on October 8, 2020 and my bilateral mastectomy occurred on November 9th with tissue expanders put in to aid in the reconstruction process. Actual implants went in five months later and two months after that, removal of my right implant due to infection. Two months later, I lost my left implant due to infection. My case baffled the doctors (infections usually happen closer to surgery than later).

2022 rest

After all these surgeries, three occurring in 2021, I decided not to pursue implants. I am very active and the prosthetics are heavy so I did not wear them while exercising in any form. Unfortunately, not wearing a bra was not an option because my chest was “indented” where the breast tissue should be. All the other flesh (ie: side boobs from my larger boobs) was still there. Bras would “cave in” so I had to stuff them with tissue, which would then stick to my chest after exercising because of the sweat.

When a friend told me about a company run by woman that have bras (and padding) for people who have had a mastectomy, and when I received my first bra from them and put it on, I actually cried. It felt so good to feel “normal” without effort.

2023 plans change

Fast forward to now, living with prosthetics and decent padding options (although sleeveless tops do not fit quite right and the challenge in finding swim suit options is real), I found myself wanting to get something done to my chest area that would allow me to feel good in athletic wear and swim wear. I still was not thinking implants.

I met with a friend’s surgeon to get advice. He seemed to think my skin and my body could handle implants, He, too, was baffled by my history although he said chemo wreaks havoc on the immune system. The first surgery go around, I was underweight, my body was healing from chemo, I was still receiving the biologics and had a new infusion of a strong drug to help my bones. Now, I am physically stronger, at a good weight, and in overall better health.

After meeting with him, I decided I would try implants one last time. Everything happened quickly after that. I sit in my bed typing this as I recover from the first surgery to expand the tissue. Surgery went well, actually better than anticipated.

Fear of judgement

I do have to tell you that for some reason, I fear my decision will be judged by others. Because I went on a trip soon after my appointment and returned the day before surgery, I did not have time to really tell people about it. I was grateful for that. Why, because I feared judgment.

We know we all do what we do for whatever reason and not everyone will be on board with that. I find myself not wanting to tell people, not because I am ashamed of my decision but because of the fear of judgement. It is hard to explain that I am not doing it for cosmetic reasons when in essence I am. Opening up without receiving judgment is beautiful, but not guaranteed.

For a person who loves words, I have trouble finding the words to express why it goes beyond cosmetics. I used the word “normal” earlier, but what is that? I do not have intentions of going back to the size God made me so I will never return to that version of me. Do I even need to justify my decision? I do not think so, so why do I find myself doing that?

Judging self

I assume on some level I still care what others think of me. But I also think on some level I am judging myself. I am questioning myself, not trusting the decision I made which prevents me from embracing me and maybe even God.

As many of you know, I talk to God a lot. I pray for people I know and do not know. I talk to Him about major decisions so He can guide my way. But then I sometimes think, “Did I hear right or did I do what I wanted to do?”

I currently feel at peace, which is an indicator I am on the right path. Knowing that, I need to stop this negative self talk, stop being critical with myself. I need to ask Him for His help with this because obviously I am having trouble doing it on my own.

Judging others

I think a lot of times we will judge others because it comes more naturally than giving another person the benefit of the doubt. It is easier to think you are right than to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes takes effort and can require a bit of empathy. It requires slowing down so you can respond lovingly versus responding out of your emotions.

Ponder

Do you find yourself being critical of yourself or others? Do you expect perfection from yourself or from others? How do you relate to people that are different than you? Do you relate or do you ignore and judge? Do you listen to viewpoints that are not in line with yours, agreeing to disagree when needed? Or do you judge them because they do not think like you?

I think the opposite of judgement is grace. Let us all try and extend a little bit more of grace and a lot less judgment, to ourselves and to others.

Prayer

Dear God, help me not to judge others for in the same way I judge others, You will judge me with the same measure. Cleanse me from having a critical spirit. Help me to love others and treat others in the same way I want to be treated. In Jesus name, Amen (Matthew 7:1-5, Luke 6:31)