Listening Well

How good of a listener are you?

Communicating with other people can be challenging at times. A lot of times the people that inhabit our sphere the most are those we have listening issues with. Frustrations develop.

Interacting on one such occasion with a person in my sphere, I asked a question for clarification purposes. Their response: “You’re not listening to me!”

Hearing that phrase took me back to my early twenties. At that age, I thought I listened well. Unfortunately, I found out that was not the case.

Eyes opened

I worked for a big consulting firm in their technology department. The company had great training for their employees. They developed their staff to move up in the ranks. All staff went through various courses along their career track; the listening seminar being one such course.

Truth told, I do not remember all of what we learned in that seminar. What I remember: we had to give names of two coworkers to answer a survey about how well we listened. I gave them the name of a guy and a girl friend that I worked with on many projects. I received the results of their survey, not exactly what I expected. My listening skills were inconsistent at best.

I felt I failed as a friend and coworker. Wanting to be a better at both, I asked each about what they put down. I swallowed my wounded pride and humbly approached each of them separately.

My listening failures

I grew up in a family where we interrupted each other. We talked over each other. This way of communicating felt natural. I never saw a problem with how we communicated, which involved interrupting. That said, do not interrupt.

Good listening is about the other person, not about me and what I have to say.

Interrupting makes people feel insignificant and unimportant. No one likes to be interrupted. Stop doing it.

Listen without feeling the need to answer, comment or solve their problem.

Do not show you listened by sharing a similar story from your life. If they ask, share. If you freely offer your story, it comes off as you talking about you. It backfires. You put the focus on you versus them and what they are sharing with you.

Other’s perceptions, failures

Some things that seem straight forward do not come to me that way. To make things clear in my brain, I sometimes ask questions. I did not realize that some people perceive questions as evidence you do not listen.

I found this out from one of my daughter’s elementary school teacher’s. At the time, my daughter had some educational deficiencies. This teacher happened to have a student aid. The aid complained to the teacher that my daughter did not listen. The teacher explained that was not the case. She explained my daughter asked questions to help her understand their expectations. Her brain needed a little extra help processing new or complex data.

As the teacher spoke to me, a light bulb went on in my head. I tend to ask questions to understand topic at hand. I assumed the other person thought that as well. Never did I think the other person thought I was not listening.

Maybe you have someone in your sphere who asks questions? Give them the benefit of the doubt that they question you to understand. Do not think they are doubting what you are saying. Try and remove any negative thoughts their questions make you think or feel. Their questions have nothing to do with you. They only want to make sure they understand what they are hearing.

Continual process

Jesus listened well. He saw the other person, kept His focus on them. He did not always feel the need to speak. Attentive, Jesus spoke with gentleness, kindness and love.

I continue to work at listening well. It does not come easy, no matter how desperately I would like it to. I heard the phrase “God gave us two ears to listen and only one mouth to speak”. How true! I want to use my two ears to diligently listen. I want to see the other person as Jesus sees them and listen like Jesus listens.

Be patient with others. Be patient with myself. Extend grace. Listen well.

What about you?

Prayer

Heavenly Father, enable me to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Your Word says the ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Still the noise around me so that I can listen to Your voice and do what is right in Your eyes. Help me listen attentively to others without interrupting, for Your Word also says “the one who answers before listening is foolish and rude”.

James 1:19, Exodus 15:26, Proverbs 15:31, Proverbs 18:13